What did you do last week as a federal employee?
A rather offensive email sent by OPM on a Saturday evening meant to bully and intimidate hardworking American citizens.
While I’m no longer a federal employee, I did ponder on this question as I suffered from insomnia in a faraway time zone. Then in a moment of genuine curiosity I thought I wonder how AI would respond to this question.
So I drafted some points, pointed out some contradictions and hypocrisy, mentioned Mars and deportation, and threw in some references to #USAID, and voilà the below is the result of several versions.
I think I kind of nailed it or maybe I have a weird sense of humor.
Subject: My Weekly Productivity Report — A Tragicomedy in One Act
Dear Elon “Taxpayer-Funded”” Musk,
Thank you for your email inquiring about my accomplishments last week as a federal worker. Given your tireless dedication to efficiency and transparency (except when it involves answering questions about your government subsidies), I’ve prepared
this highly detailed and deeply introspective report for your review.
For four consecutive days, I sat in meditative silence, contemplating the breathtaking irony of you—a non-
American who screeches about “big government” while using it as your personal venture capital firm— funneling taxpayer money into your SpaceX Mars Colony Project™ like some kind of intergalactic gentrifier.
No conflict of interest, of course.
As I stared at my blank government-issued computer screen—deactivated by DOGE, our new Al overlord—I envisioned
a not-so-distant future, when your grand expedition reaches Mars.
In my meditative vision, you barely have time to plant your oversized SpaceX™ Ego Flag before a delegation of Martians arrives, demanding answers. They cut right to the chase:
“Bro, why are you here?”
Now, this is your moment. The TED Talk instincts kick in. You launch into an impassioned speech about humanity’s destiny, free markets, and, inexplicably, Dogecoin becoming the official currency of intergalactic commerce (even though, ironically, no one at Tesla will accept it for a Model S). Unfortunately, Martians have zero patience for corporate buzzwords, and they also find your dance moves from SNL deeply offensive.
The Martians stare. One of them blinks. Then, without so much as a dramatic pause, they shackle you on the spot and toss you onto Martian ICE’s fastest deportation shuttle.
Your return to Earth is live-streamed on Martian TikTok, where it instantly goes viral under #ColonizerCringe #TrenDeAragua and #ByeElon. In the comments, an extraterrestrial influencer asks, “Didn’t this guy crash a bunch of Teslas before he tried to colonize an entire planet?”
The video now has 6.3 billion views and counting.
Meanwhile, your NASA astronaut crew —also known as former federal employees you laid off to fund your midlife crisis—promptly defect to Mars. They file for asylum, citing unbearable working conditions, chronic overpromising, and the emotional trauma of being forced to listen to your X rants in real time.
Martian immigration processes their claims immediately—turns out, even extraterrestrials have better labor protections than SpaceX.
Oh, and finally, in my deeply enlightened, meditative state, I envisioned something truly radical: a restored and revitalized USAID, working on behalf of the American people to project our soft power around the world—a mission that started in 1961 and has saved millions of lives, defended democracy and human rights, and strengthened global economies (all while coincidentally protecting our own national and economic security).
Imagine that, Elon—an American government program actually succeeding at something other that providing you with massive subsidies!
Wild concept, right? In this vision, USAID continued its historic, noble mission, while you… well, you were still trending on Martian X as the first billionaire ever to be officially “deported by aliens.”
And so, Elon, that’s how I spent my week. Infinitely more mentally stimulating than staring at my blank screen, waiting for DOGE IT support to stop holding my ability to work hostage.
Maybe if I sign up for your Mars colony, they’ll at least pretend to care.
Anyway, isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? Credit to Alanis Morissette
Sincerely,
Your Favorite Still-Employed Federal
Worker
